The Backseat Driver

It was the 1960’s.This young fellow and his wife were headed for Bottineau to do some shopping.His wife was a back beat driver, who sat right beside him as most backseat drivers do.She, as usual was on his case from the beginning of the trip to the end of the trip.You know, the usual stuff, you’re driving too fast, watch where you’re going, slow down, stay on your side of the road,and of course, turn here,signal before you turn, pay attention.This went on until they parked on

Main Street

in Bottineau.

 

His wife got out to go do her shopping, and with a smile and a cheery goodbye she was on her way.He stayed in the car, lit a cigarette with the push in car liter and put the radio on, as he did not like having to wander around through the stores.Sitting there on

Main St.

, Bottineau with not much to do, He began going through the glove box.To his surprise, he found a vice grips.Upon finding the vice grips a thought immediately passed through his brain.He had noticed while sitting there, that the steering shaft between the dash and the floor of that old car was exposed, and when he turned the steering wheel, it also turned…

 

He wandered if he could steer that car with the vice grips attached to that steering shaft.He attached the vice grips to the exposed steering shaft, and pushed it back and forth and the steering wheel turned.He was getting excited as he knew he could make his idea work.

He was able to remove the horn button from the center of the steering wheel with his fingers.He used a screw driver that he had also found in the glove box to disconnect the electrical wiring for the horn.He then removed the nut holding the steering wheel onto the end of the shaft.To his surprise, as he lifted up on the steering wheel.The steering wheel just slipped off and on to the end of the shaft with ease.He was getting excited, this was possible and his plan was going to work.He replaced the steering wheel on the end of the shaft.Then he installed the horn button.He did not hook up the electrical wires to the horn.He put the nut to hold the steering wheel onto the shaft, into his pocket.He was ready!He was excited!He wanted his wife to hurry-up and finish her shopping.He was ready to head back to Dunseith.

The man could hardly contain himself as he saw his wife coming back to the car, loaded down with sacks.He got control of himself and greeted her pleasantly.He got out and happily, helped her put the sacks into the trunk.He made no comment about the stuff she bought or how much money she had spent.He even opened the door and let her in, and closed the door after her.He was happy.She was a little surprised, and asked him if he had gone to the bar while she was she was shopping.He replied, no, and that he had stayed in the car and enjoyed the country music that was being broadcasted.She not wanting to spoil a good thing, happily said, lets, head for home.

He happily drove out of Bottineau and headed east down highway #5 toward Dunseith.His wife was her usual self, telling him when and where to turn, to slow down, and to stay on his side of the road.He would smile at her and say yes dear to keep her comfortable and happy.As he drove he would feel down beside the seat to make sure the vice grip had stayed where he had put it and to reassure himself that everything was in position to implement his plan.

While driving east on highway #5 toward Dunseith, he finally came to the stretch of road that he was looking for.It was long and straight and as luck would have it, not another car in sight.He would have to distract her for a little while.He asked her if that was a coyote running out in that field as he pointed off to the south.While she was gazing off trying to locate the coyote, he calmly reached down grabbed the vice grips and locked them onto the steering shaft between his knees.His wife turned back to him and said she couldn’t see the coyote.He calmly said it had disappeared back there.

While driving he loosened his hand hold on the steering wheel and moved his knees back and forth and the wheel turned with the movement of his knees.He was ready.She noticed the car swerve side to side and told him to drive straight.He purposely now let the car drift toward the center of the road.She noticed immediately and told him to get on his side of the road.He argued with her, saying he was on his side of the road.She went onto say that he never keeps his eyes on the road or watches where he is going.He says to her, “Do you want to drive,” and calmly[1]y lifts off the steering wheel and places it in her hands.She looks at the wheel.She looks at him.Her eyes kept getting bigger.They look like they were going to fall from their sockets.Her face was going through all kinds of contortions, she was gasping for air and her mouth was open and moving.You could tell that she wanted to say something, but nothing was coming out, not a sound.She kept looking at him and then back at the steering wheel in her hands.Then all of a sudden she found her voice and emitted this horrible sound of terror.A scream that chilled you, and made you shiver, a scream of pure terror.It surprised and scared him to the point, that he almost lost control of the car.It scared the hell out of him.He got so surprised by her look of pure fear, that he forgot where he was and what he was doing for an instant.

Remembering where he was and assuring himself that he still had control of the car, he reached over and took the steering wheel from her and slipped it back onto the end of the steering shaft.Removed the vice grips and continued driving.His wife who had watched him put the wheel back on and remove the vice grips in silence all of a sudden remembered how to talk and emitted a tirade of language that would have made a preacher blush.She pounded on his shoulder until it was numb.He laughed so hard that he was crying and could barely see the road.

This fellow , who is no longer with us,I’m sure, still laughs at this, and will appreciate me telling this story, so that everyone else can imagine how his wife felt, and how funny and proudhe was and is of his accomplishment and his method of treating a backseat driver to some of her own medicine.

I think he is still laughing?

I was also reminded at the reunion that this fellow was also an excellent shot.That he once shot a hole through his neighbor’s ear, at distance of over 100 yards, with a 22cal. rifle.I don’t think his neighbor had asked for a piercing?Now, I have read somewhere that women, voluntarily started having their ears pierced in the year 1966.Apparently men started a little earlier and it was involuntary.

Larry

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[1] It occurred to me that some people reading this might not know what a vice grip is and what it is used for.It is a hand tool with adjustable gripper jaws that can be set to the dimension of the object you are grasping with a screw you turn in the handle.The handles of the tool are spring loaded and so when you set the jaws to the object size and grasp the object with the jaws, and lock the handles, by squeezing them together.The tool stays locked onto the object until the tool is released by pulling the spring loaded handles apart.I still remember how proud my dad was to get his first vice grip tool to use on the farm.Before the vice grip came along, there were a lot of knuckle busting tools like the adjustable wrench.

 

 

Nut

When referring to a nut in the above story, I was not referring to the guy that lives down the street from you.I was referring to the fastener that is usually applied to the end of a bolt to hold something in place. In this case it was used to hold the steering wheel securely to the steering shaft that is connected to a lot of other stuff that makes the front wheels of your vehicle turn when you turn the steering wheel.

Larry,

 

Story writing is a gift you have that we all enjoy. This one was no exception. Your stories are so bonding focused around Dunseith. Most of us walked the same turf, some at different times is all. That is what makes all this stuff so bonding.

 

Yes Larry, it was a pleasure to finely see you face to face, after 45 plus years, at the reunion. As you noticed, I did not recognize you, even when you said Larry. It was a pleasure meeting your wife too. I did not realize that you and Henry married sisters. I’ll bet they’ve got some good stories they could tell too???