WE ARE PLEASED TO ANNOUNCE LUTHERAN AIR IS NOW OPERATING IN MINNYSOTA.
ALSO SERVING VISCONSIN, NORT AND SOUT DAKOTA.
If you are travelin soon, consider Lutran (Lutheran) Air, da no-frills airline. You’re all in da same boat on Lutran Air, where flyin is a upliftin experience.
Dere is no first class on any Lutran Air flight.
Meals are potluck. Rows 1-6, bring rolls; 7-15, bring a salad; 16-21, a main dish, and 22-30, a dessert. Basses and tenors please sit in da rear of da aircraft.
Everyone is responsible for his or her own baggage. All fares are by free will offering and da plane will not land ’til da budget is met.
Pay attention to your flight attendant, who will acquaint you wit da safety system aboard dis Lutran Air 599.
Okay den, listen up. I’m only gonna say dis vonce. In da event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, I am frankly going to be real surprised and so vill Captain Olson, because we fly right around two tousand feet, so loss of cabin pressure would probably mean da Second Coming or someting of dat nature, and I wouldn’t bodder wit doze liddle masks on da rubber tubes.
You’re gonna have bigger tings to worry about den dat. Just stuff doze back up in dair little holes. Probably da masks fell out because of turbulence which, to be honest wit you, we’re going to have quite a bit of at two tousand feet, sort a like driving across a plowed field, but after a while you get used to it.
In da event of a water landing, I’d say forget it. Start saying da Lord’s Prayer and just hope you get to da part about forgive us our sins as we forgive doze who sin against us, which some people say “trespass against us,” which isn’t right, but what can you do?
Da use of cell phones on da plane is strictly forbidden, not because day may confuse da plane’s navigation system, which is by da seat of da pants all da way. No, it’s because cell phones are a pain in da wazoo, and if God meant you to use a cell phone, He would have put your mout on da side of your head.
We start lunch right about noon and it’s buffet style with da coffee pot up front. Den we’ll have da hymn sing; hymnals are in da seat pocket in front of you. Don’t take yours wit you when you go or I am going to be real upset and I am not kiddin!
Right now I’ll say Grace: “Come, Lord Jesus, be our guest and let deze gifts to us be blessed. Fadar, Son, and Holy Ghost, may we land in Dulut or pretty close.” Amen.
God be wit ya now, ya know.